Inner Outer Inner Outer

I went with the library crew, well ex library crew, to go to dinner for someones birthday. I just felt super dettached from everyone. Like before I go out, to me I get happiness from making a new shirt or a new noise I can rahrah to myself all day. Then I get with them and its like someone got a new car, someone got a new job, someone saw Kanye West with their perfect bf who kissed them on the forhead, and they all go to the same boring clubs to get shitfaced, and they go and buy these clothes and I just couldn't relate to anyone.Just feels weird I can comment on their stuff, but when I mention what fills my heart with joy...the convo stopped. I felt aimless picking at portobello ravioli. After dinner we went to go have some coffee and we got a call from our boss  who attended another friend's babyshower, well that guy's gf hates us all with a passion (what's with me and friend's gfs!), so we werent asked to attend. THEN they wanted to go to someone's house. I just wanted to go home. My spirit was in my hearth. After another strungout hour I came home and got in the tub. It felt like I wasn't THERE though, like listening to the KOST in traffic, I was just getting by.
 I don't know what I want or need anymore. I want to be the light for the world but I feel like I just threw flour on top of tar. fighting for positivity and strength, grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr